Rejuvenation! Week Seventeen: How to Take Back Control

The Emerald Cockroach Wasp, featured on an episode of Radio Lab, is able to essentially turn a cockroach into a zombie by stinging it in the brain with her venom. Once stung, the cockroach is under the wasp’s control. It is no longer master of itself, no longer what it once was. The cockroach is at the mercy of the parasite.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Perfectionism and Anxiety can feel like parasites.  Stress has shown again and again to be a leading cause of heart disease and other unpleasant physical ailments. There is no denying that these “disorders” and “problems” afflict many people and cause much damage. I see this every week in my counseling office. People worn down by worry, stress, and anxiety. I have even been that person. Feeling tired, scattered, confused and “not myself.”

What lies hidden behind these pervasive symptoms is sometimes difficult to uncover. Like a garden weed, stress has a sneaky way of winding itself around the flowers in our lives, the things that truly matter to us. Our thoughts, expectations and values become compromised. It is only by unraveling the weed from the flower that you can ensure a bed full of beautiful, life-giving growth.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) helps us identify the thoughts and expectations that lie at the heart of our responses. We must slow ourselves down to catch these racing revelations. They speed through our heads day in and day out, leaving ideas implanted in our beings, swaying our actions, causing emotions to well up and make us feel out of control. I call them the “speed demons.” How crafty are our thoughts. Silently and stealthily informing our world when we don’t even consciously grasp that they are there.

Yet, there is hope! We all have the ability to recognize their presence. If we slow ourselves down enough to practice getting to know them, we will begin to recognize these thoughts. We will begin to catch them like butterflies in a net. Examine them. Decide which ones to act on and let the others go. This is where our control as human beings lies. In the catching, examining and letting go. Our power lies in the ability to decide whether or not to act on the thoughts, expectations, perceptions and values that we find hanging around in our minds.

OCD, Perfectionism and Anxiety “trick” us into having unrealistic and rigid expectations for ourselves, others and the world around us. They keep us stuck in ineffective ways of thinking, caught up in the “shoulds” and “should nots.” They numb us from acting on our true values and desires. Like the zombie cockroach, we become lost to our true selves, restricted and controlled by our minds.

This week, ask yourself what distressing thoughts, expectations and perceptions seem to have a hold on you. Try to catch these thoughts as they come to you during the day. Become familiar with their presence. And, perhaps, choose to let go of them in the moment.

Rejuvenation! Week Thirteen: What Do You Serve?

In the United States today, the majority of people polled identify themselves with a specific religious institution. Christianity, Buddhism and Islam are among the top three named. It’s relatively easy for most people to pinpoint values that these religious doctrines encompass: charity, forgiveness, love, compassion, etc. One might assume that people belonging to these religious communities would serve these values. Yet it’s just as probable that all of us, religious or not, are serving values we don’t even recognize.

Richard Naegle, a Jungian oriented psychologist, espouses that all of us serve something or someone. We bow down to ideas of who we are or what we want to be. We bow down to emotions, traumas, and ideals. We even bow down to the standards society has set for us. These “gods” are subtle. We probably don’t recognize how they influence us on a daily basis. We can be sure, however, that our reverence to them is affecting our own reality. As Naegle says, whatever we serve becomes our master.

This can be a hallowing revelation. It is discouraging to think our own blindness may have kept us in dark and unhappy places. Yet, it can also be a wake up call and an opportunity to realize just how powerful our willingness to live with our eyes wide open can be.

A Zen saying says: “The hunter who chases two rabbits catches neither one.”  This proverb is paralleled in other religious texts. The Bible reads, “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.” The Koran includes, “Allah has not made for any man two hearts in his (one) body.” Obviously mankind has recognized this polarization for some time as well as the pull to serve what will undoubtedly lead us astray.

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), the client is given the opportunity to clarify values and reflect on how decisions and behaviors she has engaged in have lined up with those values. She begins to discover what has kept her from living congruently with her beliefs and values and how she may have to change to accommodate them.

1. This week, examine your intrinsic values. What kind of person do you want to be in this world? How do you want to be in relationships?

2. Ask yourself what your most recent thoughts, behaviors and reactions reveal that you are serving? Do you make decisions based on your values, or are they made in fear, influenced by pride or guilt? Are you listening to yourself or just trying to placate the values of others?

3. What would have to change for you to live more in line with your values? What transformation would need to happen in your mind and heart in order to be who you want to be in this world? How can you begin to take control of making that happen?

 

* Mary Madalene by Ary Scheffer

 

Rejuvenation! Week Ten: What is Holding You Back?

In 1982, Julie Moss crossed the finish line at an Ironman Triathlon on her hands and knees. Only ½ mile to go, her legs gave out and she was unable to continue moving forward on her feet.  She had already swam 2.4 miles, biked 112 miles and run all but one half mile of a full marathon. In an interview on the NPR program Radiolab, Moss recalls that when she collapsed, a voice inside her told her to get up. She made a pact with herself in that moment to finish the race no matter what.

This story makes me wonder; what are we capable of if only we would believe in our ability to cross that finish line? Moss’s story reveals the inner struggle that all of us experience – the opposing voices within. One voice telling us to stop or to be cautious. The other voice telling us to keep going, to push ourselves. Signals from the body, the brain and the spirit do not always match up.

Depression can magnify this internal struggle. Part of you knows that you must engage yourself in life and wants to, while the other part of you feels the urge to isolate and dis-engage. Most of us despise this contradiction. We just want to feel better, to rid ourselves of the feelings and thoughts that seem to keep us immobile.

Julie Moss could have justified pulling out of the race when her legs gave way. After all, legs are somewhat essential when running a marathon. She could no longer control her leg muscles enough to finish standing up. Moss had to let go of the idea of finishing the race upright and find a new way to her goal, however untraditional. Although her body gave out and she faced the urge to quit, her determination won. She held a value and a goal so strong that it caused her to do the unthinkable.

Our values and beliefs do influence our actions and decisions. Countless studies reveal that belief alone can change moods, perceptions and body sensations or experiences. For good or bad, our beliefs are paramount to how our lives will play out. Instead of being victims of our experiences, we are sculptors of them. The question we must ask ourselves is, how willing are we to push through pain, ingrained patterns, strong urges and doubt to live out our values?

This week, take a look at your values. How do you want to be in the world and in relationships? What is it you want to be doing or how do you want to be acting to feel more authentic, more aligned with your values, desires and goals? Then ask yourself what is keeping you from living out those dreams. What pain, patterns, urges or contradictory thoughts and perceptions keep you buckled in front of the finish line? What do you need to push through them and live out your purpose?

Rejuvenation! Week Nine: Three Ways to Observe Your Life

Marsha Linehan, the founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) says that truly living is learning to live with your eyes wide open. Saying “yes” to life and to whatever life has brought you. Taking control by taking a good look at what is before you and inside of you.

Observing is one of the skills DBT helps people fine tune. It sounds easy, and in a way, it is a very simple skill. Yet, it can be difficult to practice. We are always observing. Some of us notice our outside world; colors of changing leaves, facial expressions, and birds in the trees. Some of us notice our inner world; thoughts, emotions and body sensations. Our attention is usually drawn to particular aspects of our experience. That leaves quite a bit to escape our notice.

We have a tendency to shy away from uncomfortable aspects of ourselves and our world. Someone who is good at observing her surroundings may be compensating for an unwillingness to observe her internal experience. On the other hand, there are those of us are who consumed with internal dialogue, to the extent that we hardly notice what happens around us.

The skill of observation requires us to slow down and take notice. External observation can help us escape the confines of our mind and our limited experience and allow us to enjoy the pleasures of our five senses. Internal observation can help us tune into ourselves to understand what we are truly feeling and thinking in a given moment. Observation has the power to help us become “unstuck” from distressing thoughts or worry, disengage from overpowering emotions, experience or notice other emotions and give us a different perspective on our situation.

  1. Observe your surroundings. Use your five senses to truly see, hear, taste, smell and feel what is around you. Let go of thoughts so that the act of simply observing can take over. Feel the sun on your skin, watch the uncurling of the clouds, hear the quiet sounds of nature, smell the earth, taste the flavors of your food. You may find that basking in these simple things will allow you to release tension.
  2. Observe your thoughts, feelings and body sensations without judgment. With curiosity, stand back and “catch” thoughts as you would butterflies. Notice the constant movement of thought, the waves of emotion and the way they affect your body. Begin to notice the relationship between these three aspects of yourself.
  3. Observe yourself. Use your second attention to “watch” yourself go about your day. Be curious about your movements, reactions and behavior. Notice how you react to your environment or the things that happen during the week. Study yourself.

“Self-observation brings man to the realization of the necessity of self-change. And in observing himself a man notices that self-observation itself brings about certain changes in his inner processes. He begins to understand that self-observation is an instrument of self-change, a means of awakening.”  - George Gurdjieff

Rejuvenation! Week Seven: Three Ways to Feed the Soul

We speak of the soul as being an abstract thing, an ephemeral entity. Our thoughts and our emotions are also non-material, but we tend to give them more attention. In fact, we are very much swayed by their influences. All of these experienced are housed within our bodies – our concrete, material forms. Yet, we often do not pay attention to how inter-connected these aspects of ourselves our. To rejuvenate our spirits, we must be mindful of our thoughts, feelings and bodies.

Our bodies contain our experiences. They are affected by what we hold inside, and in turn, our emotions, thoughts and spirits are affected by the quality of the body. Winemakers understand this relationship between the container and the contained. The quality and taste of a wine can be manipulated by its container. Wine aged in an oak barrel has a different “personality” than a wine kept in stainless steel. The wine itself contains tannins, proteins and lactic acids that interact with one another and cause the container to produce certain changes.

Similarly, the “quality” of our body will inevitably affect our relationship to our spirit. The body is sending us signals constantly, non-verbal messages that we sometimes notice, such as a headache, and sometimes either ignore or overlook.  Paying attention to these messages can sometimes reveal answers to questions we have or provide information about our present experiences. Often serious ailments are discovered when we are quiet enough to listen to the body, or if we do not listen, the messages and sensations become more and more severe until we can no longer ignore them.

Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk and author, urges us to be aware of what we take into the body. What we eat, see, listen to and indulge in are all ways that we “feed” ourselves. Watching certain TV shows can make us feel weighed down, just as eating a bag of potato chips can. Fighting, reading negative stories in newspapers and listening to music that irritates our soul can all have an impact on us. It is probably not necessary to cut off all of these things entirely, but it is important to be aware of how they affect us and when we need to back away from them.

  1.  Take an inventory of what you “feed” yourself everyday. Notice the quality of food that you feed your body, the conversations you have, and the messages that you listen to on TV, the radio or online. Take a good look at what you are influenced by day in and day out.
  2. Ask yourself how you are being affected by your daily diet of food, conversation and messages. Are there things that you would like to stop “feeding” yourself, but are addicted to? Are there things you could incorporate into your life that would make you feel lighter? What can you do to take back a little control?
  3. Listen to your body. Check in with it during the day. Notice the sensations you have, the aches and pains and the places of ease. Ask your body what it is trying to communicate to you.

Rejuvenation begins with attention to our whole selves. How are you setting the stage for this process to begin inside of you? How can you “feed” yourself to build a strong foundation for growth?

Rejuvenation! Week Six: How to Give the Soul a Vacation

February and March seem to drive people to counseling. The excitement of the holidays are over and the relief of spring is still months away. Many people proclaim that these last months of winter “drag on.” People seem to feel burdened by responsibilities and weary of the dark days.

When we take a vacation, we intend to “get away from it all.” We leave behind our work and routines that may be stressful or overwhelming. Vacation is a time for rest, renewal and release. We come back feeling energized and ready to engage in our daily lives once more.

The importance of resting from daily work is seen across time and culture. A day of rest is built in to many religious ideologies. Laws mandate days of rest in work weeks. Siestas continue to be a large part of many societies. We seem to understand the importance of rest and relaxation. Yet, how many of us truly allow ourselves to leave everything behind? Weekends and vacations seem to be full of errands, activities, schedules, maps and expectations.

For a vacation to benefit us, it may help for the body to “get away,” but it is essential that the mind does. Our thoughts fuel all of our actions, emotions and decisions. The body may be at rest, but the mind can still be doing summersaults in a vain attempt to “get somewhere” or “solve something.”

In his book, Turning the Mind into an Ally, Sakyong Mipham writes, “We’re accustomed to living a life based on running after our wild mind, a mind that is continually giving birth to thoughts and emotions.” Mipham calls these vacations for the soul, “peaceful abiding.” He suggests, “When we experience a moment of peacefully abiding, it seems far-out. Our mind is no longer drifting, thinking about a million things. The sun comes up or a beautiful breeze comes along – and all of a sudden we feel the breeze and we are completely in tune…before we were so busy and bewildered that we didn’t even notice the breeze.”

This week, try giving your mind a vacation, or several mini vacations. When you notice yourself feeling tired or stressed, take five minutes to let yourself be still. Let your thoughts, perceptions and expectations leak out while you focus on your breath. Better yet, take a five minute mind break every few hours of the day. Let go of everything you think you should do and just be in the moment. If your mind resists, notice and over-ride it.

“This art of resting the mind and the power of dismissing from it all care and worry is probably one of the secrets of energy in our great men.” Captain J.A. Hadfield

Rest brings energy and rejuvenation. There cannot be one without the other. The journey of rejuvenation invites you to feel the breeze.

Rejuvenation! Week Five: How to Transform Conflict in Relationship

Conflict is inevitable. Within ourselves, amongst ourselves and even in our environment. Conflict means to “be in opposition.” What could be more natural than pairs of opposites? Even as I sit on this chair, there are opposite forces at work. Gravity pulling me down and the chair holding me up. The “struggle” between opposites creates wondrous things such as; thunder, fire and even balsamic vinaigrette. Our reality is full of friction. It stands to reason, then, that conflict would also be inherent within relationship. After all, we are complex entities.

Last week, I introduced Jung’s shadow concept; the idea that we suppress the qualities about ourselves that we do not like. This is a prime example of opposing forces at work within the individual. When these forces come into conscious opposition, there is conflict or crisis. We think we should behave one way, but act out something different. We secretly desire something, but do not accept the urge. Conflict.

If such conflict is almost perpetually being played out within each of us, it is no wonder that we project this conflict onto one another. Desires, expectations, behaviors and insecurities collide like a never ending game of bumper cars. Most people who come to my office for help with relationships state conflict as the culprit. We are uncomfortable with conflict. Even those people who seem to generate it are often worn down by it. Conflict gets the better of us.

Nothing that we see as good in our lives is created without opposing forces at work. It can’t be. Opposing force sets everything in motion. I often look back on my life and realize that times of intense conflict served to bring about something that I appreciate or enjoy.  In Jungian psychology, paying attention to the conflict within ourselves is the key to unlocking freedom. In other words, addressing the monster may be the only way to obliterate it.

In the recent “fairy tale” stories of Harry Potter by  J.K. Rowling, the evil wizard Lord Voldemort cannot be confronted by anyone other than Harry. He is Harry’s evil counterpart, the two joined in a way that makes it impossible for anyone else to intervene. They are opposite forces creating friction and Harry alone must contend with the conflict. Yet, in the end, it is really not Harry who destroys the evil wizard, it is Lord Voldemort himself. Harry’s willingness to confront the evil lord alone allows for his destruction. Harry was always going to win that battle as long as he chose to face it. And don’t forget, it was Lord Voldemort who began the process of making Harry into a hero.

We are all faced with the choice of how to handle conflict every day. Yet, most of us don’t realize that there is energy to harness from conflict. What would be different in your life if you began to take mastery over the energy that conflict creates? How would your perspective change if you began to see the benefit of conflict? This week, in the quiet space you have created for yourself, examine the conflict in your life. Ask yourself what it is trying to teach you.

Rejuvenation! Week Three: The First Step to Accepting Yourself

Our culture today revolves around action and progress. Technology and industry are growing rapidly and changing our world along with them. It seems as if everyone is trying to get somewhere else, be someone else, achieve something else. We value progress…in our world, in ourselves and in others. Yet, this leaves little room for acceptance and perhaps, contentedness.

Few people seem to be content with who they are in this moment, where they are and what they have.  They act as if they are deficient. Not enough.

I see this every week in my office. People who feel they aren’t smart enough, talented enough, loved enough, worthy enough. People who feel their partners or children aren’t behaved enough, attentive enough, etc. Yet, what they are really telling me is that they don’t want to feel stupid, dull, or rejected. They don’t want their partners and children to be naughty, selfish or clueless. And the list of “defects” that we don’t want ourselves or others to be can go on and on. How scary. How daunting. How exhausting!

These “defects” that we desperately try to ignore can plague us. They can make us feel vulnerable, guilty, bad and abnormal. Yet, if all of us experience these shadows, doesn’t that make us …well, normal?

Carl Jung wrote extensively about our “shadow” side. Jung believed that the shadow consisted of all of those thoughts, feelings, behaviors and desires that we try to ignore or push away. They are the parts of ourselves that we think are bad or unacceptable. Some of us go to great lengths to disassociate ourselves with the shadow. Yet, what is pushed down, Jung said, will come up eventually.

This process is highlighted in the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson. Dr. Jekyll was a kind and loving doctor who found a way to transform himself into an opposite personality, Mr. Hyde, who was entirely without a moral compass. Dr. Jekyll was then leading a double life. One side of him was empathetic and ethical and the other murdered and manipulated.

Jung implied that we are all like Dr. Jekyll. We all have desires, urges, thoughts and instincts that we repress and detest even though we may not act on them. In Jung’s opinion, we must reconcile ourselves to the shadow. We must recognize and accept this part of ourselves as normal in order to maintain control over it.

What aspects of yourself do you see as defective? What thoughts, desires or “defects” do you try to ignore or suppress? This week, take a peak at your shadow. Begin an acquaintance with the side of yourself that you reject. The first step to accepting yourself is realizing that you are much more than you thought you were.

Rejuvenation! Week Three: Three Ways to Master Your Thoughts

Last week we spent our quiet moments surveying the contents of our minds; our thoughts. Without judgment, we noticed what thoughts continue to swing around in our awareness when we aren’t paying attention. Perhaps you were surprised with what you found, perhaps discouraged, perhaps overwhelmed. Whatever your reaction, accept this as your starting place.

Identifying our thoughts gives us leverage. If we know they are there, we can disengage from them. How, you may ask, can I disengage from a thought? Don’t thoughts come from “me?” Who am I without my thoughts?

Marsha Linehan, the founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, asserts that thoughts are not “facts.” They are experiences to be noticed, but not believed. If thoughts are not facts, then they certainly can’t define who we are. Yet, many of us spend our lives dominated and defined by the thoughts that arise within us. We respond and react to them as if they constitute the only reality.

Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “Men are not prisoners of fate, but prisoners of their own minds.”  So, how do we find freedom from our endless thoughts, assumptions and perceptions? I propose three ways.

  1.  One way to find freedom from our thoughts is to give them our attention. Blow-ups, fights and conflicts are often subdued when people felt heard. The same can be true of our minds. If you notice yourself being bombarded with thoughts this week, consider setting aside a small amount of time to pay attention to them. Just listen and acknowledge or write them out. You’re likely to find that given some attention, they become less persistent.
  2.  Ultimately, we want to disengage from our thoughts; to stop identifying with them.  Linehan teaches that a thought is “just a thought.” No more, no less. In DBT, participants are often encouraged to imagine a flowing river or a sky of moving clouds that they can “throw” their thoughts into over and over. In your quiet moments this week, practice noticing your thoughts, accepting their existence, and giving them up. Over and over and over.
  3.  Disengaging from our thoughts means we are back in control. As you learn to stop identifying with your thoughts, decide which ones you want to react to and which ones you don’t. A thought cannot cause you to react. You decide to react from a much deeper place. Freedom from thought arises with the realization that we can choose which thoughts to respond to, and which thoughts to simply notice and let go.

Rejuvenation is about discovery, not about a final destination. No matter what your experience is like this week, congratulate yourself for just noticing it.

 

Photo by Bet Mercer

Rejuvenation! Week Two: How to Listen to Yourself Think

This week on our journey to a rejuvenated spirit, we will take a good hard look at our mind. Actually, we won’t “look” at all, because the mind can’t be seen. It also can’t be touched, tasted, smelled or heard. We experience our mind in a way that can only be grasped by ourselves. It is our personal sanctuary, or our personal torment.

Buddhism refers to the untrained mind as a chattering monkey that jumps from branch to branch, ceaselessly moving and making noise. Distracted by endless thoughts, assumptions and perceptions, we go through life as slaves to our mental musings. The mind is selfish. It will never stop trying to get our attention. And we often give in without even realizing it, slipping comfortably into the mind’s control as if it were a pair of slippers. Our bodies, our emotions, our spirits and even hidden thoughts fade into the shadows.

Author and teacher Pema Chödrön said, “Like all explorers, we are drawn to discover what’s out there without knowing yet if we have the courage to face it.” And what exactly is “out there”? Simply put, what is “out there” is really “in here.” Our perceptions of the world, ourselves and one another create the reality that we live in. Yet, how many of us take a good look at what perceptions are creating our reality?

The mind may be like a monkey, but it can also feel like a monster. Our thoughts are often painful, confusing or troubling; and these are just the thoughts on the surface. Those that lurk below our consciousness can be even more frightening. Remember those childhood fears of monsters under the bed and ghosts in the closet? All one needed to do was look under the bed skirt to confront the fear. Monsters demand confrontation. There is nothing else to do about them. Likewise, our beliefs can grow more daunting the longer we dodge them. “We can spend our whole lives escaping from the monsters of our minds,”  says Chödrön.

If the spirit is to be rejuvenated, the mind can no longer be the “alpha.” This week, we will watch our own minds. As Jane Goodall studied her chimps, we will study the swinging monkeys that are our thoughts, ideas, beliefs, assumptions, and perceptions. We will step back from them and observe without judgment. We will watch how they affect our emotions, our urges and our actions. We will be curious. We will begin to explore the terrain that is us.